Finally being conscious.

 

I have been a failure recently.

I have been working on achieving certain goals. Some areas working better than others, but there has been this constant pattern. I would make great progress, but then all of a sudden I would be back at square one. I couldn’t understand what was happening.

Monday to Thursday this week, without realising, I had been so on point with my fitness and diet. I hadn’t focused on what I had been doing this week, but I rather focusing about running a marathon next year, and automatically I woke up at 6am, went to the gym, ran my little heart out, and was actually being a fucken bad ass. Then on Friday, it clicked how well I had been doing. And I was chuffed. Until about 7pm that night when I was binge eating and feeling like a completed failure. I was so angry with myself but had no idea what happened.

So I woke up this morning, forced myself to go to the gym, and rather than recognise this as a fucken accomplished because I had pushed past my resistance , I focused on the fact I didn’t do as well as I had on Monday. So my mood was pretty bad. Then I “had” to attended the “Genius Gym” which is a momentum workshop provided by Natural Success.

Back Story with my brief experience with Natural Success and the whole Genius Journey:

I went to the free workshop and signed up to I attended the 3 day Meet your Genius workshop they provided. I signed up intitally because it was the first time one of these seminars resonated with me. Previously looking at other people like Tony Robbins (who don’t get me wrong I still think is fucken amazing and had valid points) had  left me feeling like fucken shit. I am a person who has issues with trust, is hot headed and highly fucken flawed. I mean.. I don’t think Word Press has a word limit to how fucked up I am – thanks Mum and Dad! But in all seriousness, it was the biggest relief to be told I don’t need to fight this Identity anymore. I had struggled for so long, and developed such a hatred for myself because I was trying to change this Identity (which we create 0 – 4 and can’t change.. again thanks mum and dad!) and it didn’t work. I know I am a good person. I care so much about the world and for people. But sometimes I act like a cunt. It is how I protect myself. And what they teach at Natural Success, is that is all good (not that being a cunt is good.. but that you just need to accept this fake belief you created about yourself). This Identity isn’t who I am. It is just a belief. So this pulled me in. Then I got taught maigc. They taught tools (like innocence and a circle, which I am not even going to try and explain) but the main jist is behind it all is to just create what you love and to focus on an end result and you can achieve whatever you fucken truly want if it right for you. 

 Now I am a sceptic and  even though I signed up for even MORE training after the “Met your Genius” weekend.. I was still hesitant. So that week after I attended I decided to stay conscious (or what I thought was being conscious) and aware. I focused on an end result. One of which, I decided, was to get tickets to the Harry Potter Musical. Now this seemed impossible. I have wanted these tickets since I heard about the play. Even when I was in New Zealand, I woke up at 3 am.. yes 3 in the fucken morning, to get tickets.. which all ended in failure. So two days after I had decided t focus on the Harry Potter tickets I saw an email that they were randomly realising a few tickets on that day. Now, thousands of people went for these tickets. But I thought “Fuck them. I am getting these tickets today” and made it my focus. So I set my alarm, and was at work and frantically went onto the website about 5 minutes before they were released, which at this point the queue was a few thousand people. So I was fucked. However I noticed the list started going down because people had been to early for the tickets so had to restart being in the queue. I regained hope. I just needed to have good timing. Then it was about 2 minutes to go, it was almost my turn. and I was fucked again because I was to early. Then my browser decided to crash and I was so fucked off at my computer, I almost broke it. But I took a breathe and refocused my intention onto getting these tickets .. and bam. I got in. And guess who got tickets.. this bitch! After I calmed down (took a few hours because I was fricken ecstatic), I reflected and decided that what I had learnt at wasn’t bullshit and decided to commit to putting it into practice. And everything went well.. for about two weeks when I hit a snag. and I forgot all about Natural Success and slowly went back into old habits and being unconscious.

Okay. So now back to today.

I get to today’s momentum session. and I am in about a 20% bad mood, but I was excited (aka tension). I then ran into people I had met previously. They started talking about all this progress they had made on themselves and their end result. . I started internally getting so angry at myself and my bad mood increased to about 60%.. because, other than my epic Harry Potter accomplishment, I hadn’t succeeded in anything. I was a fucken failure. Ironically, the talk was about mastering tension. And I was sitting there brooding. Everything that Ryan starting saying was accurate but this was really pissing me off because I realised I had been dysfunctionally solved my tension on Friday by binge eating and I felt like such a fucken failure. (unconcious to the fact, that I was dysfunctionally using my tension all day).

We then got into groups and had to explain what was obvious about how others resolve their tension. I was C, so the first two rounds I had to explain what I thought was obvious about others in my group. However all the anger and hatred that had been building up all morning caused such resistance, I couldn’t get out of my head and serve the others. So when we were sharing and I saw how amazing my peers were at this work… I felt like such a selfish failure and that I was the biggest cunt int hat room. I didn’t belong there. They didn’t want me there. I wasn’t serving everyone.

So when it came to my turn for my group to analyse how I use my tension dysfunctionally, I was expecting them to say that I ate to resolve my tension. Because this is what I thought was how I solved my tension dysfunctionally. Then one of the people in my group said “You solve tension dysfuctionally by withdrawing from people and what you enjoy and  be really hard on yourself, it is like you use hate towards yourself to resolve the tension because this gives you comfort”. Now I was taken back.. and then another person said that they had picked up that I use “self torture” as a way to solve tension because this confirms my  underlying belief of not belong or nor being good enough. Now this pissed me off (thankfully, I didn’t  actually react).I thought it was completely wrong and way off the topic. To me, solving tension was eating, or having an argument with someone, not “self tourtue”. I then realsied I had failed the exercise because I wasn’t in innocence, because my ego was in fall swing internally denying all this. And I ended the day feeling depressed and angry at myself for not getting anything out of the day.

So I got home, and I just felt sad. A friend of mine there pointed out that she saw my genius solving tension by writing. And I decided to do some reflection through writing. So I went into innocence and I asked myself what was obvious to me about myself and why I was feeling depressed. And I laughed. Because through what I wrote it was evident that this “self hatred” and “anger” which my group rightfully pointed out. And I noticed the pattern. And looking at this on a page, it made me laugh. I have been so  over dramatic and wasted so much energy and time for 23 years doing the exact same fucken self sabatoaging and I never actually realised. How ridiculous is that? When all I need to do is refocus, and make the conscious choice to create something I love, and focus on a end result.  It is that fucken easy. HOW DID THIS ONLY CLICK NOW?

So when I realised this, I started getting excited, because it finally clicked. And excited is tension. And then my mind started its same old pattern to star reliving this. And I noticed it and decided to channel it into writing.. and bam. I wrote this. and I feel great and free.It is that simple. I feel awake for the first time in my life. And I know now, with such confidence, all I need is my circle, innocence (this will make sense if you attend the workshop),  and to be true to myself and I can achieve whatever the fuck I want.

II know this is just the beginning of my journey. and I am going to constantly going to struggle and need to refocus. But that is all good. As long as I keep refocusing. And expanding my knowledge. Because I know this is just the start, I haven’t seen fucken nothing yet.  In a couple of weeks I am attending the 5 day Create Your Destiny work shop. I am so happy that I have had this experience now though because I am going to be so much more committed and focused than I would of been before today.

I need to point out this isn’t exactly accurate representation on what they teach, as I said I am still very very new to this and have fuck all knowledge. I am not even using the tools or terminology correctly, so take everything I have written and my experience as a grain of salt. But one thing is that you NEED to do is look into Natural Success  http://naturalsuccessacademy.com. They have free 1 day workshops where you can find out what they are about.  I promise you, you will find something beneficiary. Because seriously, there is something fucken magic here.

The Future 2016

Since I was a little girl my dream has been to travel. As I got older and reality stepped in I came to realize that you need money to travel the world. My friends who grew up in England had so many wonderful stories of travelling I decided the best idea would be to move there and travel. As the years have passed and life kept happening, my dream seemed further and further away. I didn’t have enough money, I had to finish my studies, I was scared and making excuses. But now AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I am finally going!

On 11th January 2016 I will be saying by to New Zealand and Hello to England. I finally grew some balls and booked the ONE WAY ticket. I will be doing a 24 day Tour of Europe before I settle in. I have had people tell me not to do a tour before I go BUT fuck it this is what I wanted to do.

Words cannot describe how excited I am. Or how nervous I am. I have no friends nor family over there. I will be truly alone. I still have 6 Months.. 217 days.. but there is a lot to do between now and then. Saving, VISA etc. At this point, I am planning on moving to London for a year or two. But this will be the first time in my 22 years (well I will be 23 then) that I will be free to go with the flow. I honestly have no idea who this will turn out – I might fail and be back home in 3 months. Or I might find my place in the world. But if you want to do something you should do it. 

The one part which is certain is the Winter Spirit tour of Europe. It is going to be amazing. Cold, yes. But wonderful. My favorite destination is not Paris (surprisingly) but Amsterdam. Anne Frank has been one of my role models since I was a child. To be able to go to The Anne Frank house will be amazing. I am also very excited to go to one of Amsterdam’s famous Coffee Shops.

I have a feeling 2016 might be the best year yet!

30 Things I Want To Do Before I am 30

On the 19/10/2022 I will be turning 30. (Hopefully) 

This seems like ages away, 8 years seems like a long time. But it really isn’t. The past 8 have gone crazy fast. So I thought I should make a list of what I want to do and achieve before then.

  1. Live in a foreign country.
  2. Write a book. It might not be read by anyone other then me, but I want to finish one. 
  3. Go to Burning Man.
  4. Throw a Coin in the Trevi Fountain
  5. Witness a Miracle.
  6. Conquer a Fear.
  7. Run a Marathon. Right now I can’t even run for 2 minutes.
  8. Become fluent in French.
  9. Go Bungee Jumping & Sky Diving.
  10. Fall in Love.
  11. Attend a protest I am very passionate about.
  12. Become successful at something.
  13. Walk in Central Park.
  14. Pay off my Student Loans .
  15. Get down to my goal weight. Pretty much get in great shape.
  16. Write a Script for a Tv Show
  17. Become good decent at one sport.
  18. Volunteer overseas.
  19. Climb a Mountain Even if it is a small one.
  20. Change someones life. In a positive way. 
  21. Learn to cook.
  22. Stay somewhere without modern technology. Either camping or in a cabin. 
  23. Help organize an event
  24.  Become comfortable in my own skin.
  25. Sing at a karaoke bar.
  26. Get high legally in Amsterdam.
  27. Swim with Sharks.
  28. Be good at Yoga. Right now I can’t even touch my toes. 
  29. Sleep under the stars.
  30. Have a moment so perfect that I cry of happiness.

I can totally do the above. I have from today.. 3,040 days to complete the above 30 things. Yes. Better start now.